


a thousand teeth and yours among them, i know

by newlifemoriarty



Series: hands that shake [3]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Anxiety, Ep 42 Spoilers, FOREHEAD TOUCHES ARE MY WEAKNESS, M/M, Panic Attack, cause consistent timelines are for organised people
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-15
Updated: 2016-02-15
Packaged: 2018-05-20 18:44:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6020908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/newlifemoriarty/pseuds/newlifemoriarty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vax finds himself having another heartfelt conversation under the Sun Tree</p>
            </blockquote>





	a thousand teeth and yours among them, i know

They had a day to kill in Whitestone before they continued on to Vasselheim. A day before Vax had to leave Gilmore again, and he wasn't looking forward to it. Gilmore was looking better than he had been, but he was still much thinner and paler than Vax had ever seen him, and he winced every time he moved too quickly. He knew the sorcerer would be in good hands when they left, Pike was staying to care for him and the refugees, but after everything he did not want to leave.

He found Gilmore in the centre of town, staring up at the Sun Tree. He stepped up to him quietly and gently took his hand. The irony of the motion was lost on Gilmore, but it wasn't on Vax. How long ago had he stood here and done the same to Keyleth? A month? Less? It felt like years had passed since then. While Keyleth had slipped her hand away in fear, Gilmore just gave his a gentle squeeze.  
"I was wondering when you would come find me," the merchant muttered. Vax struggled to find words. Gilmore didn't push him and so they stood in silence as a gentle snow began to fall around them.  
"We're going to Vasselheim tomorrow. I know you'd rather stay here, so just... Just promise me something, Gil," Vax said said quietly, unable to look at the other man.  
"For you? Anything," Gilmore replied, his words a dull parody of a happier time long ago, when they had still danced a lighter step. And maybe they had promised to stop the dance now, but the tune still rumbled in their words, though now it was more of a dirge. Vax dragged his eyes to face Gilmore's for the first time during their talk.  
"Promise me you won't go and do anything dangerous on your own. I can't..." His voice caught in his throat as heat prickled at the back of his eyes. Gilmore gave him a smile and gently raised a hand to his face, cupping his cheek and running a thumb soothingly over his cheekbone.  
"Honestly Vax'ildan, I don't know what's got you so worried. The dragon thing was one time and besides, I certainly learned my lesson, didn't I?" Gilmore said with his characteristic flair.

Consciously, Vax knew that Gilmore was only teasing, making the best of a terrible situation, trying to bring a little light. But something in his brain switched at his words as the horrifying image of tiny Gilmore standing before the towering visage of Thordak filled his vision. As he squeezed his eyes tightly closed in a vain attempt to block out the intrusive image, he could have sworn he heard a woman scream. For a second he thought it was Vex, but it sounded older. Before he could place it the sound was gone and replaced by Gilmore's voice.  
"Vax, dear, open your eyes. Look at me." Vax forced himself to obey. He hadn't even realised his legs had given way until he forced his eyes open and saw he was now on his knees, Gilmore also kneeling in front of him. His hand had moved from Vax's cheek to his neck, holding the half elf steady. Vax sucked in a wavering breath, desperately fighting off the now all too familiar feeling of rushing anxiety that threatened to spill over and consume him.  
"Talk to me, Vax'ildan, tell me what's plaguing you so," Gilmore coaxed. Vax felt the first quivers in his fingers and tried very hard to condense his thoughts into clear words.  
"I can't lose you to him too," he whispered, closing the distance to press his forehead against Gilmore's. It was then that Gilmore realised there was much more behind Vax's fears than he knew. He allowed Vax time to steady himself, his eyes closed, their foreheads pressed together, breathing deeply. Finally the half elf had calmed himself enough to lean back again. His hands, now resting gently on Gilmore's waist, were only faintly quivering. Gilmore gave him a questioning look and he sighed, shifting so he sat comfortably, his back against the Sun Tree. Gilmore shifted as well, and took Vax's hand once more when they were sitting side by side. Vax leant his head back against the Sun Tree, closed his eyes, and begun to talk.

"When Vex and I left Singorn, we eventually made our way back to our home town of Byroden. We figured we could see mother again, get back to our old life. But when we got there... It was gone. Everything was rubble and ash and Mother was nowhere to be seen. There were still a few townspeople about and when we asked what had happened, they spoke of the day the dragon came. We mourned, we left, we went on with our lives. But I promised myself, and I know Vex did too, that if I ever found the dragon that had done it..."

His voice trailed off for a moment and they both sat in silence, lost in thought. Gilmore wasn't foolish and was beginning to piece together what Vax was telling him, but he could also tell that this was one of the many thing Vax had kept bottled up for too long and talking it out now was helping him work through his thoughts and feelings. So Gilmore sat quietly and did not interrupt or rush Vax, letting him tell the story as he could. The moment of quiet passed as Vax gathered his thoughts and continued the story.

"After we escaped the first attack, before we came for you, Arcanist Allura came to us, looking for answers. We told her what had happened and she revealed that she had fought Thordak before. She was the one to seal him in the plane of fire. But as she was telling the story of hunting Thordak, she was listing the towns she had visited that he had destroyed. She said she went through Byroden..."

This was what Gilmore had feared. He glanced at Vax, who was still staring at the sky, to see silent tears running down his cheek. Gilmore felt his heart clench and his gut churn with a deep guilt, but still he said nothing. Something told him Vax wasn't finished yet.

"We were all hurting and exhausted and scared. Keyleth did some spell to look for you, she said she could sense you but it was weak. We could have gone then to find you. But I said we should sleep... If we had been too late I don't know what I would have done. I've already lost one person I love to this dragon, I couldn't lose another." Vax squeezed his hand tightly around Gilmore's at his last statement, anchoring himself to the moment. Gilmore let the weight of his words settle in his chest before he replied.  
"I'm so sorry, dear Vax, I had no idea. Had I known, perhaps things would have been different. But you have to understand, my only thought was of you and your friends. I was certain that you would rush head first into the danger and I was determined to help you. But this time you proved smarter than me, and I was the one who ended up needing help," he said with a half hearted chuckle before growing serious once more. "I understand your fear Vax, and now I'm beginning to understand it much more distinctly. I promise you, that I won't face any dragons alone again. But I also promise you this, when you stand to kill that beast once and for all, you won't be able to stop me from standing with you. Because I feel the same. It's why I faced him the first time. I can't lose you either." Gilmore prepared himself to fight off Vax's protests, but none came. Instead he felt Vax lay his head gently against his shoulder. They sat like that in silence for a few moment before Gilmore realised exactly what Vax had been suggesting with his final statement. He squeezed Vax's hand.  
"You know I love you too, right?" He whispered, his thumb tracing lazy circles on Vax's hand. Had it been any other time, Vax would have laughed at the phrasing, a faint echo of his own confession to someone else in another time, so close to here. Instead he smiled softly and closed his eyes, allowing himself this one last moment of peace before the troubles of the world could force themselves upon him once more. For this one moment, he was with the man he loved, who loved him back just as much.


End file.
